it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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