I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
