Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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