i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
