Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
