hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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