there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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