hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Randomize
