you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
