just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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