coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
