So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
