Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
