My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Oh god it's open bar.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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