I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
It was confusing and full of hummus
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
