So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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