My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
