How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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