So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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