I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
