Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
