His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
