it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
