I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
