I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
