Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
