now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
