i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Randomize
