im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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