Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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