dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
