I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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