How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
