Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
It's Friday. Sex?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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