She announced her abortion via fbk
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
