there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
