Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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