I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
