I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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