i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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