The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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