be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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