Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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