My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
