at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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