I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
