The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
