i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
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