He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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