you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
