hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Randomize
